2011 Champions and World Class Wilburys that Travel

The Champs are here!

“The Champs are here!”

Put the women and children to bed and go looking for some freakin’ dinner.

“The Champs are here!”

The 2011 Novi Recreational Softball title belongs to the most substantial softball organization this side of the Mississippi. Inspired by the tireless and tumultuous leadership of the Godfather, the Traveling Wilburys exploded through the playoffs like an Asian bukoke film running off four victories to secure the coveted (shhaw-right) Novi International Men’s Softball Ultimate Extreme  and Titillating Trophy (NIMSETT).

With the season hanging in the balance the Wilburys clung to a one-run-lead in the bottom of the sixth, with bases loaded and just one out. Local celebrity douchebag and soon aspiring petter-ass (sex offender) Mitch Brooks came to bat with a chance to uplift his good for notin, rotten, low-down piece of monkey shit bunch of misfits to victory.

A capacity crowd of nine rose to their feet chanting for their beloved sex-offender.

“Petter-Ass. Petter-Ass. Petter-Ass!”

Brooks stroked the proverbial ego and called his shot pointing to the 8-year-old and future Weblo Scout in left field that Cabin Boy had been “preparing for duty.”

Time stood still as Lamb delivered a high-arching doozy of a pitch to local hero Brooks.

Brooks’ reached for his signature cock-grab then took a might swing!

“POW!”

In a sudden heap a liner was sent back at Lamb that looked certain to surrender the Wilburys’ lead.

Without thinking Lamb snagged the shot, struck a pose, and fired the furiously florescent ball to the Eis-man for an inning ending double play.

“That’s a sign! This is our FUCKING game!!” said the Godfather as the Wilburys herded into the dugout with a fresh-hard-on and  the scent of blood flaring their nostrils.

For those who had been previously curious why the Wilburys travel, the true embodiment of all that is good and fair in this world whipped out their johnsons and dick-slapped the douchebags of Doc’s to the tune of nine mother fuckin’ runs!

“The Champs are here!”

Bulbs cracked, Brooks cried, and Mother Mary of Bethlehem rejoiced because even if only in this moment the world was a little better place.
In my 52 years of softball-blogging I have never seen a better collective effort of A+ athletes and best friends come together with the rhythm and harmony of Ringo, Paul, John and George.

On and off the field these gentleman depict what it truly is to “kick ass,” and “take names.”

While it was not in a regular season game, the Godfather once hit a ball 600 feet. Tuesday G-Rock added another year of wisdom to his already legendary 60, while he doesn’t like to admit it ladies, “he’s kind of a big deal.”

Brooks was seen being anally penetrated (obviously willingly) by an unnamed local sex offender Wheblo Troop Master in the Doc’s parking lot while listening to R Kelly.

“The Champs are here!”

In a press conference shortly following the game the Mayor of the City of Greenville announced to prompt their return the 2012 Danish Festival will celebrate the Traveling Wilbury’s 2011 NIMSETT.

Wilbury Nation tune in each Thursday as Wilburys that travel take on a new insurmountable number of extreme challenges (Onslaught) on their quest for a second title.

Good morning, and good luck.

Wilbury Weekly “Wrap-it-up”

Introducing your 2011-12 Traveling Wilburys.

Godfather c

We-blow Scout

Eis-man 1b

Jason Wells ss/2b

Bomber rc

The Minister lf

The Baker p

Jeff Richard rf

Cale Bodenmiller

Nick Vitanis 2b

Vito Goldstein 3b/ss

Bull Dog

Despite a hard-played game Monday evening in Novi the Wilburys that travel endured their sixth loss sliding them back into .500. The 6:30 slot has been a killer for TBD all season, but behind a brilliant defensive effort producing four double plays and a four run extra inning lead, the Wilburys came up inches short reaffirming Al Pacino’s “Game of Inches” speech in Any Given Sunday.

It was a hot and humid August night in Southeastern Detroit. The ball wasn’t carrying and the Wilburys got hits until they mattered most. With no outs, two runs in and runners on first and second Lamb stabbed a well hit ground ball and connected with Vitanis for the double play. Bodenmiller tracked the next ball hit into the gap for the final out sending the Wilburys to extras.

The bats came alive in the final inning for TWB as they produced four runs to seemingly secure the W. But like some enormous douche-bags wearing neon green shoes do; they came back and put up five for the win.

Godfather swang some mean metal on his way to a pair of hits.

Bulldog held down the hot corner and despite hitting the ball well has been fined $20 for throwing his batting gloves like an eight-year-old.

Congratulations are in order for Wilbury Zach “the Minister” Hilbers for accepting a job offer at Our Lady of Refuge, pride of the K-8 catholic school responsible for stealing the Minister’s eight grade basketball season on a technicality. TWB will we be traveling to the Shallows of Cass Lake this Saturday in celebration and dance.

Wilbury Weekly Wrap-it-Up 7-25

After a tremendous and debaucherous weekend in Chicago the Traveling Wilburys took the field Monday night without their fearless leader Mark “The Godfather” Levin. With g-rock still out of town, The “Eis-man” bore the burden of the coaching clipboard and rolled out a lineup that mashed 39 runs in 1 ½ games and a mercy.

The welcomed returned of Vito Goldstein may mean there’s a new shortstop in Wilbury Nation. Goldstein made a number of excellent plays showing his range and ability to bend over. Vito added 6 hits (5 of which were Marty style doubles down the first base line.)

After a brief hiatus RF clobber-monster Jeff Richard returned to acting, belting 5 HRs, three of which counted. Richard was recently scene shooting an endorsement for the natural Horny Goat Weed supplement; sales are up 225%.

LF Zach Hilbers added to the Wilbury resume after completing what ESPN the Magazine proclaimed “the most difficult race in America,” Tough Mudder 2011. Hilbers continued to showcase his ability to hit the ball the other way with a series of hits to RF including a two run dinger on a day when balls were sailing out of the yard.

Fan-favorite Donni “The Bull-Dog” overcame a slow start defensively at 3b to have a monster day in the field and at the plate. The Bulldog roped 6 hits and per usual demonstrated his commitment to excellence and effort as a Traveling Wilbury.

Nick “Tits” Vitanis settled into his grove collecting 7 hits including a two run shot in the second game. Let the record show that Nick’s father, Harry Vitanis has made three appearances in 2011 and Nick is a sub. Wilbury Nation− subscription to our blog is not an adequate commitment! We need buts in the seats. Chesty women in low cut and see through tops is preferred.

The 2012 Traveling Wilbury Vegas Vacation is officially on the books! Stay tuned.

Wilbury All Star Rehash “Wrap-it-Up.”

Ladies and Gentlemen after an arduous struggle with US Customs I have purchased my way back into the greatest nation on Earth. While in limbo between borders it appears that Red White and Blue celebrated another glorious 4th of July, two Wilbury losses, and an epic night of creation and “Fiesta” at the Library Pub of West Bloomfield in honor of self proclaimed Hall of Famer Pat “The Bat” Harris’ homecoming. Needless to say we have been busy!

June 27^th Wrap-it-Up

Likeable asshole Kevin Lamb elicited the first ejection on the season for the Wilburys that travel when he tore Col. Sanders (posing as an umpire) a new asshole after blowing the biggest (and only) call of the game and seriously compromising the team’s potential for victory. With one on, one out, and a one run lead in the final inning of play Lamb fielded a ground ball to his left and after bobbling the ball tagged the runner in route to second. In what should have been a bang-bang call (unless you’re 105, autistic, or generally a person of terrible hygiene), the Col. believed Lamb missed the tag (which instant replay confirmed that he most certainly did not.)

Lamb plead his case to the Col. only to have him extend his arms to both sides and proclaim with conviction “SAFE.” Instead of having a one-run lead, with two outs, and a runner on first, there was one out, with runners on first and second: GAME CHANGER. Naturally, Lamb lost it.

“HOW DID YOU MISS THAT CALL YOU IDIOT!? IT WAS TWO FEET IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE AND YOU’RE TOO OLD AND LAZY TO MOVE TO MAKE THE RIGHT CALL!? YOU’RE AN IDIOT! A DISGRACE TO THE UMPING PROFESSION! HOW DO YOU LOOK INTO THE MIRROR AT NIGHT!? YOU’RE AN IDIOT! YOU ASSENINE A-HOLE!”

Lamb was escorted away from the park by parks and recreation professional John “I’m fat and despise my life” Doe.

Left with only nine players the walls collapsed on a gem of a game that included a 10-run comeback by the Wilburys.

Richard, Hilbers, and Lamb homered.

In a post game press conference Jim Joyce the Col. apologized and announced his retirement from both the game and KFC.

July 11^th Wrap-it-Up

The Wilburys came, went, and lost. Trailing by one in the final inning Hilbers gave the ‘burys hope with a two double, only to be stranded at second by Lamb, who really wasn’t supposed to be there.

Pat the Bat’s Homecoming

Rarely do the Traveling Wilburys gather on consecutive nights to flood their livers and digestive track with filth, but heart and soul, Pat Harris returned home from Chicago so it was required.

For the second time in 2011 TWB returned to its former post-game home, The Library Pub of West Bloomfield. Breaking news … they now employ a black waitress and their nachos measure up evenly going in as they do going out.

The Wilbury “Slam” made an appearance and it was a hit. TWB is the softball team you see having a great time at the bar while you sit miserably at your table wishing you had coolers friends/teammates. They mean business; and business is good.

After extensive market research and 28 years of domination the Traveling Wilburys have announced that they will produce a pilot episode for the first softball reality television show. Unconfirmed rumors say that Larry David has expressed interest in producing the show. Stay tuned.

Wilbury Weekly “Wrap-it-Up”

Well there are days you’re happy god created softball, and other days you’re even happier man created beer; take a guess which one yesterday was?

TWB came out as flat as an Olson twin Monday night; but obviously better looking, on their way to a 3-23 mercy.

Base hits were as scarce as heterosexual men in Saugatuck (Sausage-tuck) as the Wilburys put up a measly three runs with two in the form of solo jobs by Richard and lamb. Hilbers was responsible for the third on another triple that gave its best Andy Duphrane impression trying to escape the yard.

On the bright side of things, a 6:30 start provided ample drinking and a return to the Library Pub of West Bloomfield. Despite not even playing in the West Bloomfield league, TWB was the only softball team in the house, dominating as usual. This leads us to believe one of two things: 1. they’re all a bunch of pussies, or 2. our departure lead to the collapse and ultimate demise of a once pretty good softball league.

The “Mean Machine” and “Eis-man” win this weeks award for last-men-standing at the bar; my 1:00 a.m. departure left Mike dumbfounded.

Tune in next week Wilbury Nation, or get bent.

Back: God Father, Jason Wells, Zach Hilbers, Mike Eisle, Jim Belanger, Front: I forgot her name already

 

Jim Belanger

 

Wilbury Weekly “Wrap-it-Up”

Excuse my one-day-tardiness; apparently word of the Wilbury “Wrap-it-Up” traveled fast landing this reporter a gig writing a feature article on Hall of Famer and former Bill/Spartan Joe DeLamielleure for the Center Line Courant. Unfortunately the state of Nevada doesn’t allow press interviews with inmates (I was excited to talk to DeLamielleure’s teammate O.J. “Juice” Simpson).

Through two innings of play Monday the Wilburys looked like they would be incurring their second consecutive loss; a call to the ‘pen produced RHP Kevin Lamb in a no -out based loaded jam in the third; Lamb proceeded to clear the bases before recording and out. Worry began to brew in Wilbury nation as rumors of being bought out and relocated to Indonesia circled water coolers across  the globe. Lamb helped his cause with two nifty grabs on balls hit back in the middle to escape with an 11 run deficit.

While it goes without saying that any true American would rather bone a dozer (bull-dozer (FATTY)) a week than relocate to Indonesia; said rumors ignited a fury in the Wilbury’s bats previously only associated with Canadian’s passion for mayonnaise and gay sex. With all cylinders firing, the ‘burys that travel exploded for 26 runs on their way to a 26-14 route.

Leading the way per usual for the TWBs was RF Jeff Richard belting another two home runs and a small Chinese village worth of RBIs. While this may not guarantee him sole possession of first in the long-ball category in the U.S, a brief discussion with customer service representative Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono confirmed Richard the leader in Indonesia. It is only fair that I note in Indonesia “small malnutrition dogs” (otherwise known as fine-dining) take the place of “softballs.”

Richard wasn’t alone in his multi-home run effort; rook’ sporting the recent ethnic pirate look Vito Goldstein didn’t leave the yard, but showcased a set of wheels normally associated with a “rickshaw” on his way to two inside the park homeruns. To commemorate Vito’s record setting night the team offered blunder in the form of a Vietnamese one-legged midget stripper at the team’s post game watering hole “Docs,” unfortunately per usual Vito was not in attendance.

After a team meeting it was decided that despite LCF Cale Bodenmiller’s obvious struggle with priorities, he would neither face “tar and feathering” nor “disbarment.” “Bode (Bo-die)” responded with four hits and a “Rudyesque” display of hustle on a routine groundball. Bode credits additional hair length for the solid day at the plate.

LF “Mean Machine” Hilbers not only topped ESSPN’s (Entertainment Sports Softball Sports Network) “Plays of the week,” with two stellar catches, but also called his shot burning a shallow RCF on a triple that narrowly missed leaving the yard

While the Godfather a.k.a. “g- rock” insisted not to be mentioned in this week’s Wilbury Wrap-it-Up, Wilbury Nation a.ka. “Godfather Nation” has a right to know when their chosen son collects three hits showing significant improvement in his injured leg.

Mark Delange may have twisted and turned his way into letting a relatively routine fly ball become a leadoff double, but three hits including a roped double helps Wilbury Nation and wife Krista easily overlook such tomfoolery.

Still no dives out of vet Jason “J- dubs” Wells; but three more hits in a season that continues to show this Laker alum’ has “warning track power.”

RP Lamb credits a heavier bat to his third home run and sharply hit double; and admittedly fears for his life as a potential three-course-meal in Indonesia for getting lit up like a blunt at a Phish concert.

Tune in each week for your Wilbury “Wrap-it-Up.”

And yes, Jim appreciates all your fan mail he has received in prison and welcomes trannychick1969 for another conjugal visit, but insists she bring Lubriderm; Vaseline causes him an allergic reaction.

Wilbury Weekly “Wrap-it-Up”

After a 20 day hiatus The Traveling Wilburys were back in action Monday night; they even played a little softball.

At 3-1 the boys in blue sporting  the Sparky Anderson memorial patch looked to continue their streak of scoring 20 or more runs for the fifth consecutive game. The Wilburys were slow out of the gates; it appears that The Godfather’s recommendation to hit the cages over the mid-season break wasn’t unilaterally received as the Wilburys failed to rake like a Mexican on a day, falling 10-14.

I could say they were outmatched, but that would be horseshit of a lie; missing a few key bats, in addition to a bit of ol’ fashion rust found the Wilburys chasing four in the 7th, only to be retired in order 1-2-3. A team meeting was held after the game to discuss left center fielder Cale Bodenmiller’s commitment to Wilbury franchise after missing week five due to a death in the family. Now I could understand if he had a hair appointment, pedicure, anal probing perhaps, but a death in the family? Let’s straighten out our priorities people.

Jeff Richard failed to reach his season average of 2 homeruns per game, only leaving the yard once with a solo dinger to opposite field in the second.

Zach Hilbers showed no signs of rust going 4-5 at the plate; when questioned after the game for the reason behind his surge despite the timeoff, Hilbers needed only two words: “Mean Machine.”

Doni had a less than stellar day all around but managed not injure himself which cannot be overlooked.

The graying Jason Wells thought about diving for a ball that quite likely would have changed the outcome of the game but attributed the sand in his vagina for his lack of effort. On a side note, at least he didn’t dirty his sexy new Beamer.

In players family news, Mike’s wife’s teeth are looking exceptionally white after a whitening from the Godfather himself, not to mention her killer tan.

Wilbury Long Balls

1. Jeff Richard 11

2. Kevin Lamb 4

4. Vito Goldstein 2 (inside-the-parkers)

3. Keith Lapointe 1

Week 3 Wilbury “Wrap-it-Up”

Prior to Monday night’s game even starting, the Wilburys had a new nemesis, with an obnoxiousness rivaling the Beavers’ post-game (queer as steer) Beaver Call. I’ve discovered that inserting queer in the place of beaver more accurately represents the Beaver’s true agenda:

“I’m a queer, you’re a queer, we’re queers all; when we get together, you’ll here our queer call!”

I digress, the Wilburys’ new nemesis is currently nameless, they failed to identify themselves via jersey (mother fuckin’ amatures), but they are certainly a bunch of loud mouth obnoxious fucks. While I generally refrain from dropping “f-bombs” in my blogs, because we here at Wilbury Enterprises are a church-going family bunch (not entirely), it seems appropriate given the birth of a rivalry.

Coach Boone’s dream of a perfect season ended last night, but the Wilburys got their freakin’ hacks in! It’s not often that you plate an excess of 20 runs and lose, however yesterday was one of them. Despite Team Loudmouth’s Kathy Griffin levels of obnoxiousness, those boys could flat out hit. The Wilburys were undermanned, sporting only three in the outfield, albeit a significant upgrade from week 2′s outfield performances featuring Belanger, Lamb, Richard, and Eisle. Hilbers, Bodie, and Delange covered some serious ground, but with gaps as large as Courtney Love’s vagina, the void was too great to be filled.

Through the first three games Utility Jeff Richard tallied a line that looked like this: .800, 6HR, 22 RBI; the Godfather rewarded Richard and moved him from the 8th hole to the 7th; Levin must be a genius because the result.. three more dingers the size of the ‘dozers Jeff’s older brother Matt chases.

Atop the order Hilbers and Bodie collected 8 hits between them, flashing wheels like the ’10 Richard flashed wang through his zipperless pants. Recently, Hilbers’ typically stoic reputation has taken tarnish due to rumors of “unadulterated” relations with 15 year old daughter of SS Jason Wells. This reporter neither confirms nor denies these rumors.

The “Eis-man” continued his degradation of bright fluorescent yellow balls world-wide; I don’t think he recorded an out, and yes, reports were in-fact accurate regarding the credit of Mike’s off-season weight loss to ballet lessons with his wife.

Though sill not at 100%, the Godfather ripped two singles to left, and walked twice.

Bellanger wasn’t suppose to be there, and for once he wasn’t. No, he was much too busy taking a large quantity of “wiebel scouts” into the woods to “camp”.  In unrelated news Jim is no longer permitted to be within a range of 500 feet from schools.

Despite a continued plight for consistency, Lamb rebounded from an 0-4 start finishing with two hits and his second home run.

Vito Goldstein was not in attendance, whereabouts are still unknown.

Tune in next week for all your Wilbury player news; or simply turn on “To Catch a Predator.”

2011 Wilbury’s

The 2011 softball season is underway, and along with a new website, the Traveling Wilburys’ are sporting some changes. While still playing on Monday nights, the Wilburys have relocated and taken their talents to Novi. While the core of the squad remains the same, the Wilburys entered the 2011 season better than ever!

2011 Roster:

Mark Godfather Levin

Mike Eisle 1B

Jason Wells SS

Jim Belanger OF/C

Zach Hilbers LF

Mark Delang RC

Jeff Richard 2B/OF

Kevin Lamb P/3B

Cale Bodenmiller LC

Phil Vito Goldstein 3B

Keith _ P

Donni “no regard for my body” _ 1B/OF/

The Wilburys’ have taken the entire city of Novi by storm, vaulting to a 3-0 start, tallying runs like the opposing team when Brandon Lyon is on the mound. With more depth than ever, the Wilburys are strong 1-9, and have been raking like a Mexican on a fall day.

Jeff Richard, hitting out of the eight whole, has led the way for the Wilburys’ leaving the yard (evacuating is perhaps a better term) four times in three games, with a gaudy 16 RBIs (or so). The Godfather attributes Richard’s rainmaking swings to the camouflage of the eight hole, reminiscent of Pat Watson like wisdom.

The Eiseman, Mike Eisle has picked up right where he left off in 2010, adding another 4-5 night at the plate in yesterday’s action. Eisle reported to camp 25 lbs lighter; when questioned about his off-season workout regiment, the Eiseman attributed the weight loss to couple ballet classes his wife encouraged they take.

The new faces on the 2011 Wilburys have gelled great in the locker room and between the lines with this charismatic and thirsty bunch. Vito Goldstein is the highlight, locking in the hot corner and all but erasing any memories of Marty with is consistent ability to go the other way with the ball. While taking third in week 1, Donni took a ball to the face; was he phased? No, he laughed, and continued his recklessness into the second week showing no regard for his body stretching to make plays despite the necessity.

The 2011 Wilburys got some swagger and will be a force to be reckoned with. Stay tuned every Tuesday for your Wilbury “Wrap it Up”.